Ditching Expectations Can Set You Free

I had one amazing New Year’s Eve.

I was home in Dallas during winter break, and one of my college buddies had talked me into going to a party hosted by a hotel downtown. In a packed ballroom, I locked eyes with a guy. He was gorgeous, and I soon found out, humble and hilarious. We genuinely hit it off. We decided to go to the rooftop to ring in the new year. We took the elevator to the top floor, toting two champagne flutes and a bottle of bubbly. At the stroke of midnight, we kissed, and I liked him even more because he made no assumptions that the kiss would lead to anything else. We embraced and admired the city lights and the sounds of celebrations. I’m pretty sure we watched some fireworks, too.

That New Year's Eve was magical.

We both attended UT Austin, but back then, we had no cell phones. I think we assumed we would run into each other again some day, but we never did.

For many years after that, I expected another magical New Year’s Eve. I didn’t expect it every year, but I expected it once or twice more. And I was always disappointed. 

That is, until I stopped having expectations.

You’ve probably been there. You hype up a vacation, imagining perfect sunsets and zero stress. Or you picture that big meeting going flawlessly, with everyone nodding at your ideas. Then reality hits, and it’s … fine. Or meh. Or even pretty good! But because it didn’t match the movie version in your head, you feel let down.

Expectations are sneaky little joy thieves.

They sound helpful (“I’m just staying motivated!”), but they often set us up for disappointment. 

I remember watching someone interview the Dalai Lama, and the interviewer just couldn’t resist asking him about his choice of celibacy. He said something, like this: if he ever decided to break his vow and have sex, the experience could never live up to the expectations, and he would be disappointed in himself for breaking his vow, especially for something that did not come close to the hype. I swear I heard him say, “Things are rarely as good or as bad as we expect them to be.” The Internet tells me my memory is wrong, that he never said this, but hell, it’s a great point. 

When we walk into every experience with expectations, we’re basically writing a script, keeping it secret, and feeling let down because the actors don't know their lines. A date doesn’t sparkle like a rom-com? Disappointment. Your kids don’t love the “fun” activity you planned? Your heart aches a little bit (I’ve been there many times). But even positive events can lose their shine under too much pressure. 

But Some expectations are appropriate.

You can (and should) expect basic respect in your relationships. Showing up, doing solid work, and earning your paycheck? That’s an expectation worth keeping. Respecting others and requiring the same in return? Absolutely. These are reasonable agreements about how we behave in the world. The key is knowing the difference: expectations about behavior and standards are useful. Expectations about exact outcomes and emotions are where we trip ourselves up. Approaching life with an open, curious mindset remains one of the healthiest shifts you can make. You still prepare, show up fully, and aim high, but you release the emotional chokehold on how it must feel or unfold.

Try this simple practice.

Before your next event, pause and ask, “What if I dropped my outcome expectations and just experienced what is?” 

Notice if it lightens the load. You’re likely to see disappointment shrink and gratitude grow. Life is too unpredictable for perfect scripts anyway. If you can embrace the plot twists, as you might with a good mystery, you’re likely to enjoy the show (and life overall) even more.