The Most Important Observation to Make Before Committing to a Relationship
- Deborah Dobbs
- Jun 26
- 3 min read
As a victim advocate, I learned that much of our pain is avoidable. I’m not talking about the kind of pain that simply comes with living life, like breakups, job losses, and death from natural causes. There is no avoiding that. You cannot live a full, meaningful life without experiencing some pain along the way. The avoidable pain I’m talking about is the pain from enduring an abusive relationship that leaves you clinging for your dear life or the attempted murder of the spirit and sense of self by a true narcissist.
I've helped hundreds (maybe thousands) of people affected by domestic violence. Most were victims-turned-survivors, but many of my cases included the surviving parent of son or daughter who died at the hands of an ex-spouse. I've also worked with victims who were utterly demoralized by the emotional cruelty inflicted on them by their significant others.
Every one of them (male and female) could eventually look back and see the warning signs they either missed or ignored. Usually, it was the latter.
Warning Signs for Unhealthy Relationships
These warning signs are scattered across websites, social media, and true crime documentaries and podcasts. Some nonprofit organizations go into schools and teach kids about healthy and unhealthy relationships. The Power-Control Wheel is readily available and has even been adapted for teens.
In addition to the warning signs are "first date" tips, like the ones below:
How do they treat the server at a restaurant?
If they talk about exes, do they seem to blame them or hold themselves accountable, at least to a degree?
How do they speak to or about their parents?
Do they respect personal boundaries?
But How Well Do They Suffer?
There is one characteristic that I've never seen broadcasted in our abundance of media. It's something that a longtime therapist told me, who has dedicated her career to helping domestic violence victims. If she could tell every high school boy and girl one thing, she would take them aside, look them dead in the eye and say,
"Before you commit to a relationship with someone, you need to know how they handle suffering."
If they don't know how to suffer, how to cope with setbacks without lashing out or completely shutting down, it's a bad sign. A huge red flag.
The Red Flags
Here are a few examples:
Stonewalling or giving the silent treatment
Fingerpointing, blame-shifting
Turning to Alcohol or Drugs
"Awfulizing" (Insisting everything is falling apart, nothing ever works out the way it should)
Acting powerless over their situation
Emotionally dumping
Saying unfair/untrue comments, like "You have no idea what it's like. Everything goes right for you."
Canceling plans or no-showing you because they "can't handle" the setback.
The Green Flags
They admit they're scared, hurt, or disappointed.
They fulfill responsiblities despite the bad news or loss.
They continue to show basic respect for relationships, even though they're hurting.
They can accept support without expecting their partner to manage everything.
They utilize healthy coping skills.
They communicate with you.
Whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship, people who can handle suffering well can usually maintain good healthy relationships. They'll protect the relationship, and they won't take their disappointment out on you. Maybe it's just in small ways, like asking how your day was (and listening when you answer). When things go right for you, they will genuinely be happy for you.
Rarely do we see red flags during good times.
If you want to build a healthy relationship, pay attention to how someone handles suffering, because that’s where both red and green flags wave wildly.
For a list of warning signs, check out these links:
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